Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Strange Things That Happen When the Temperature Approaches Zero Degrees Fahrenheit




You think to yourself, vegetables are highly overrated, and try to get out of walking across one simple street to buy a few, scurvy be damned.

Eventually, you talk yourself into going vegetable shopping, and you wonder how many pairs of long underwear will fit under your jeans.

Turns out, only one fits. You briefly consider ordering your jeans one size bigger next year.

Once outside, you are afraid to look up for fear of feeling your eyeball juice crystallize in the wind.

You start doing cost-benefit analyses in your head, like "if I put my gloved hands in my pockets, my fingers are less likely to freeze solid and snap off of my hands, but I am more likely to break an elbow when I fall on a patch of ice."

You put your hands in your pockets. You're a risk-taker like that.

You realize, for the first time since that ill-advised trip to Siberia one long-ago December, that you do indeed have nose hairs. And all of them are frozen.

When you finally arrive at the vegetable kiosk, you make endless idle chit-chat with the vendor to avoid going back outside.

On the way home, you risk a brief squint up at the sun (your eyeballs don't freeze shut!) and, despite the fact that you haven't seen that happy glowing orb in days, you wish it would just go away already, because everyone knows it's warmer outside when it's cloudy.

5 minutes from home, and you can't feel your face anymore. That whole "there's no bad weather, only bad clothing" thing is an obvious lie. Unless maybe you can buy clothing for your face? Resolve to google "face clothes" when you get home.

Home at last. You're already completely numb, so you think to yourself, what the hell, I might as well take the dog for a walk now. It doesn't even feel cold anymore!

How can the dog not be shaking from cold? Resolve to google "how to knit clothes from dog fur" when you get home.

Walk in the house. As the feeling returns to your extremities, you break into a sweat and wonder when it got so darned hot in here.

On the plus side, it's supposed to hit 21 degrees tomorrow - that's practically beach weather!

3 comments:

Popster said... [Reply]

face clothes ,,,,,balaklava, or a scarf around the face, works.

Nomads By Nature said... [Reply]

I can send you a knitted Santa hat with attached knitted beard. I saw them at the local grocery store - let me know, supplies may go quickly.

Elaine said... [Reply]

I see Popster has somewhat beat me to it, but: two words. Silk. Balaclava.

And long-john silk undies, which I personally refer to as Silkies.

I hate to admit this, but I live in Central Arkansas. I do have a disorder than means I'm COLD all the time; that's my excuse for the Silkies. I used to live East Of Cleveland. So I do know about COLD.
And I am sending sympathetic vibes!!

Please. Write your own stuff.