Thursday, May 29, 2014

I just can't do it

WARNING: Another rambling post coming up. If you like your beginnings, middles and ends all neatly wrapped up, come back tomorrow. Or next month, maybe.

It's been a bad couple of days, to tell the truth. You know those days when things just don't quite go right, and maybe it's just me, but I've noticed that I get into those loops where things keep spiralling downward until I crash.

Yesterday I crashed. Today I am trying to pick myself up and put the pieces back together.

It's a symptom of pack out for me. I'm a terrible packer-outer: the scheduling, the organizing, the little details everywhere. I am not a details gal. So I run from one thing to the next to the next, getting more and more manic, making lists and losing them and making them again, but never quite managing to cross anything off.

I am trying to be everything to everyone, to attend every going away party and take all of the last minute trips and bring the baseball snacks and sort through the clothing pile and write the letters of recommendation and I just can't do it. I can't.

Still I keep trying, until I tick off the people closest to me because I'm not there for them when they need me to be even though that's really all I was trying to do anyway. To be there for them.

I've managed to not schedule the haircut and forget the baseball snacks and lose the party invitation and I even managed to screw up another family's weekend plans somehow with my disorganisation, and you just know that takes talent.

The thing is, I'm forever telling other people to go easy on themselves during pack out time. It's hard, and you can't be expected to do it all. You have to let some things fall in order to keep the important parts of your life intact. You have to be kind to yourself and grant yourself forgiveness at every possible moment. I tell people that. And I believe it. So why can't I grant myself that sort of grace? I don't know. I guess I just expect better of myself somehow than I would of other people.

The other day, someone whose opinion I very much value called me "judgmental" and "snotty." Possibly because, at the moment, I was being judgmental and snotty. But still. It hurt rather a lot, and it made me retreat inside my shell. I'm still in there, thinking maybe it's a good place to be for awhile. There's too much going on out there in the wide world at the moment that requires my attention.  Maybe if I stay in here, give myself a bit of a break, it'll all work out.

We're moving. Whether or not I'm ready. Whether or not I've said my goodbyes, seen the last sites, eaten all of the food. There's no time left on the calendar, and I can't change that. So it's time to do what I tell other people to do: stop worrying so damned much! It all works out somehow, in the end.


Bfiles said... [Reply]

it is so easy to tell others to relax and so hard to do it yourself! Hang in there- you will get through it!

Please. Write your own stuff.