Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The U.S. Government Hates the Easter Bunny, and I Have Proof

Every year in early spring, we dust off the credit card, fire up the internet, and indulge in our own personal Easter tradition: we go online and order Easter candy from Russell Stover. And no, this not a product placement sort of a blog entry. It's just a fact. We order jelly beans, and coconut nests, and little chocolate bunnies and dark chocolate coconut cream eggs.

Oh dear. I seem to be salivating. I love dark chocolate coconut cream eggs. In fact, I usually order extra just so there are more to steal from the kids' baskets on Easter morning.

This year, we placed our order in mid-March. On March 18th, I got an email from Russell Stover saying our candy was on its way.

Last week, Bart remarked that the candy should have been here by now. So I checked, and no worries: my credit card had been billed, I'd been notified that the candy had shipped... I was certain it would be here any minute now.

But he kept worrying, so finally I emailed the company to ask if they could track our shipment. And do you know what they said?

Our order was rejected at the pouch address.

That's right. Some crazy federal government worker looked at our box of little chocolate bunnies and jelly beans (and did I mention the dark chocolate coconut eggs?) and decided, for some reason, that the shipment wasn't legal.

So the box was returned to sender. And the sender, instead of emailing us and asking WTH, merely shrugged their collective shoulders, returned the candy to their warehouse, and left the charge on my credit card.

So here it is, only days before the Easter bunny is scheduled to hippity-hop into our little apartment, and we have no jelly beans. No coconut nests. No - sniff - dark chocolate coconut cream eggs.

I went to Cosmo and spent a small fortune on their imported-from-Europe Easter candy. But here's the problem: it's all milk chocolate. And while I personally don't care if you're Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Morman or Wiccan, I think we can all agree that Easter is not meant to be celebrated with milk chocolate. That's just messed up right there. I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in Leviticus, or Revelations, or maybe even Genesis, that God came down from the mountains, hid behind a burning bush, and very carefully dictated to Moses or somebody that only dark chocolate Easter candy is acceptable in the eyes of the Lord. It's like the 11th Commandment or something.

But no. Our dark chocolate resides in some warehouse on the other side of the Red Sea, and our baskets will be filled instead with ever-so-sacriligious milk chocolate. No good can come from this, unless you count the fact that I will not gain five pounds in chocolate weight by next Monday.

And all because the new guy over there at the pouch facility didn't like the way our package looked.



DiploNerds said... [Reply]

Oh man reject chocolate now that is unholy! However, I must disagree that Easter is received for only dark chocolate. I think it can be celebrated by milk and dark chocolate lovers alike :)!

LeesOnTheGo said... [Reply]

Whenever I feel the need to laugh long and loud I just hop on over to your blog. And I got a good belly laugh out of this post. Sorry it's at the expense of your Easter baskets devoid of dark-chocolate.


Becca said... [Reply]

rejecting easter chocolate! that is sacreligious or...something.

Danielle said... [Reply]

Ohh I feel your pain!!! That is so disappointing! I have cloth diapers, a children's book, and a other (cloth) baby gear sitting at a Military Post Office somewhere "undeliverable" (with the charge still on my card). What is going on?? Itsy bitsy diapers AND chocolate are fei fa? I don't know which is more heart-breaking!

Nomads By Nature said... [Reply]

Are you sure that the contents were returned? Or is a classic case of bunnynapping. Think outside of the box. Chocolate is involved.

Jen said... [Reply]

Hmm, Nomads might be spot on. Milk chocolate...meh...'freebie' dark chocolate? I can see that being snatched in a heartbeat.

*sigh* hope some day the why is figured out...that's just SO wrong!

Dorothy Handelman said... [Reply]

I love the funny twist you put on the least agreeable of outcomes! Wishing you and your family a happy, joy-filled Easter (and hopefully some dark chocolate will come your way).

Brooke said... [Reply]

AHH! I'm so sorry - what a terrible easter surprise. I hope by this point you've found something to almost satisfy your cravings :)

Please. Write your own stuff.